HOT TIKTOK DEBATE: Is Narcissistic Abuse Even Real?

Some neurodivergent community members say narcissitic abuse isn't real, that it's all just abuse. But there are others in the communtiy and licensed mental health professionals who say it does exist.

May 12, 2023

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What is Narcissistic Abuse?

According to author, Nakpangi Thomas, PhD, LPC, TITC-CT, "Narcissistic abuse typically involves emotional abuse in the form of put-downs, accusations, criticism, or threats. A narcissist may gaslight you or contradict you in front of others. Withholding money, silent treatment, isolation, and lying about you to others are other narcissistic manipulative techniques in their toolbox. The end goal of a narcissist is to control their victim’s behavior into maintaining their supply."

She continues, "Narcissistic abuse occurs when a narcissist progressively manipulates and mistreats people to gain control over them, creating a toxic environment full of emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, or physical harm. Narcissists exploit those around them through gaslighting, sabotaging, love-bombing, lying, and twisting situations to suit their needs. As a result, victims can suffer long-term effects from their abuse."

“Victims of narcissistic abuse have been reported to experience symptoms similar to PTSD, known informally as narcissistic abuse syndrome. Symptoms include intrusive, invasive, or unwanted thoughts, flashbacks, avoidance, feelings of loneliness, isolation, and feeling extremely alert. Being placed in a similar situation may trigger the victim physically or emotionally.”

Kristen Milstead puts it perfectly thought in her article from Psych Central, "Defining narcissistic Abuse: The Case for Deception As Abuse," by saying, "Narcissistic abuse is the intentional construction of a false perception of someone else’s reality by an abuser for the purposes of controlling them."

The false reality is constructed through elaborate, covert deception and psychological manipulation over a long period of time.
The false perceptions created are of the abuser as someone who has the survivor’s best interests at heart and of the relationship as a beneficial one for the survivor.
The goal of the abuse is to allow the narcissist to extract whatever he or she perceives is of value from the partner, including attention, admiration, status, love, sex, money, a place to stay or other resources.
The abuser takes advantage of societal norms that assume everyone participates in social relationships with a basic level of empathy, which makes it easy for the abuser to convince the survivor (and everyone else) that no abuse is taking place.

25 Signs of Narcissistic Abuse

There are so many abuse tactics that fall under the umbrella of narcissistic abuse. I believe it's important to help people recognize what classifies as narcissistic abuse versus other types of abuse such as familial, parental, relationship, etc. When narcissistic abusers utilize these tactics, "They may make you feel you’re crazy, making it less likely that you will reach out to family and friends for help," says Nakpangi Thomas.

Gaslighting
Emotional abuse
Projection
Twisting
Lack empathy
Lying
Silent treatment
Sabotage
Grandiosity & Overstating Their Own Importance
Emotional blackmail
Making everything a competition
Love bombing
Financial abuse
Privacy invasion
Acting superior to you
Character assassination
Negative contrasting
Entitlement over you
Withholding
Manipulation
Playing the victim
Ignoring or downplaying your achievements
Hoovering
Convo hogging
Exploiting you

How to Recognize the Signs of Narcissistic Abuse

The narcissistic abuse cycle is a pattern of manipulation and calculated abuse the narcissist uses to confuse a partner and make them question their reality. The narcissist will start by idealizing the person, then devaluing them, before finally rejecting and discarding them. Each phase works in tandem with the other to keep someone entangled in the narcissist’s web.

It's also important to note here that one can have narcissistic qualities without being NPD. The biggest red flags of someone possibly being NPD or an undiagnosed narcissist leads us to the narcissistic abuse cycle–one of the best ways to see the signs of narcissistic abuse.

The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Idealization

In this stage, the relationship is either brand new, or starting back up after a break up. There is a lot of excitement, joyfulness, newness, and rose colored glasses feelings. According to, Silvi Saxena, “In the narcissistic abuse cycles, this is considered idealization. The narcissist will put a partner on a pedestal and make them feel perfect or incapable of wrongdoing.”

Devaluation

Once the rose colored glasses come off, the devaluation begins. In this stage, the narcissist or NPD person removes you from the pedestal they created in their mind and works to make their partner or child feel worthless by putting them down, using verbal and mental manipulation and abuse tactics, uses physical intimacy as a weapon (relationships only). If you confront the narc in this case, they will play the victim.

Rejection

This final-ish stage, is when the narcissist places all the blame and downfall of the relationship on their partner. The narcissist will discard their partner, especially if they are no longer getting their fill of ego-boosting attention and affirmations in the relationship. They are not interested in love and security. The narcissist in this scenario will complete their cycle of abuse and move on to the next victim–or come back to you if they can’t find one quick enough.

Here's What's Going On In Each Step of The Cycle

Idealization

Love-bombing
Giving a lot of attention given to the partner
Grandiose gestures
Elaborate gifts and dates
Discussing marriage early on
Lack of boundaries
Attempts to isolate partner in the name of love
Quickly moving into intimacy
A sense of ownership of the partner and relationship

Devaluation

Rejection

What you can do to escape the cycle

Do not confront the narcissist, this will end badly
Just leave–easier to say than actually do. But walking away is the best thing to do.
Ask for support from friends and family
Seek professional support
Join a survivors group for like-minded support
Trauma therapy like EMDR, IFS, etc.

Why Do We Label it "Narcissistic Abuse, and not just "Abuse?"

According to psych central writer, Kristen Milstead, "It is only through the deception of the “false self” that any of the abuse can occur, and the deception is unique to narcissistic abuse and is its particularly damaging feature, as it leads to cognitive dissonance and grieving over the person who does not exist. Sandra L. Brown (2009) says in her book Women Who Love Psychopaths that intrusive thoughts and cognitive dissonance were the two most disruptive symptoms in the women she counseled who came out of relationships with psychopaths. “This is why the mid-relationship dynamics are marked by grieving. What [the survivor] becomes acutely aware of is that her grieving is caused by a unique feature of the psychopath." This unique feature is the unbelievable contradictions, opposites, and dichotomies that mark this man as the disordered person he is.”

It is because of this “false self” presented by the abuser that it is marked as narcissistic abuse, not just abuse. And it is vital that the deniers understand this key differentiator.

Not all Domestic Abuse or Coercive Control is Narcissistic Abuse–but some is.

This conversation on narcissistic abuse vs abuse is nuanced at best, and is loaded with debate. It is possible for people who are NPD to not be abusive, but when we take the time to get to know the signs of narcissistic abuse, the coping mechanisms of NPD persons, the cycle of narcissistic abuse, and how it affects people–and neurodivergents even more deeply, it is easy to tell the difference between a narcissistic abuse situation vs general abuse.

Calling narcissistic abuse what it is does not mean that any other type of abuse is less than. All abuse is wrong, no matter the label, or diagnosis of the person.

Therapists, MD's, licensed MH professionals, psychiatrists, and psychologists alike agree that narcissistic abuse is it's own genre of abuse, and that the abusive coping mechanisms utilized by NPD's is specific to their diagnosis and is different enough from just calling all abuse, "abuse."

But labeling a person with a diagnosis without intensive knowledge and experience, or based on generalizations, can be problematic, and it is up to us to look at each situation with an open mind and truly take the time to learn about NPD and other mental health diagnosis.

Addressing the "Issue" of the term "Narcissistic Abuse"

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline and their survey of recorded calls, " there is no research that conclusively shows that a higher percentage of abusive partners deal with mental illness or disorders. While people managing mental health disorders may face the stigma of violence or abuse, it’s important to understand that having a mental health disorder does not mean that a person will be emotionally or physically abusive." Which IMO is valid,

However, there is a culture of shaming victims of narcissistic abuse for using the term, and little interest from the opposing side to fully understand what narcissistic abuse is.

What can we do about this? SHARE THIS POST with people who deny narcissistic abuse is real. Help them understand what NA means and how vital it is that we define this specific type of abuse as narcissistic abuse. Anyone is capable of narcistic abuse, but it is proven in several studies that the narcisstic abuse is real. Don't let anyone else tell you differently.

Go to this post where I sum up the article I’ve shared with you today, and share it with everyone you think needs to hear this message. Put it in your stories, put it on your TikTok, share it in a text, email, discord messaged, whatever you feel is right and get this message out there.

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